Yo, asshat. Did you pass high school history?

<-- (I may be only 15, but I'm plump 'n' pure pirate booty in fetish boots)

As a person open to attending gatherings sometimes referred to as alternative by the general public, I have often wondered about the ye olde renaissance fair. This year, I was finally able to attend the King Richard's Faire in Carver, MA on its final day of the season.

Ok. Renaissance. That's French for rebirth. It refers to a period of time between the 14th and 17th centuries (or 1300–1600). It was a cultural rebirth following the middle or dark ages.

When I think Renaissance, I think, oh, Shakespeare. Some Michangelo. The last vestiges of knighthood, perhaps. A new beginning for philosophy after forced Christianity and stupidity. A rediscovery of things thought lost since the Greek and Roman empires.

I don't think PIRATES.

Pirates. Um, yeah. First off, popular culture does not depict the "golden era" of the pirate until extensive European exploration of the Caribbean. These pirates we tend to think of, in all their glory, really didn't come into their own until the early to mid 1700s.

That's not the effing Renaissance. So why the eff are you, an adult, running around a Renaissance fair in full pirate attire? Why is it I am forced to hear someone say ARRRR every 10 goddamn minutes?

Pirates, in the traditional sense, as perceived by popular culture or manufactured by Disney and Jerry effing Bruckheimer, that's something entirely different. I get that a vast number of men with nary a homosexual tendency what to speak of would drop the soap for Johnny Depp (or at least want to be him, whichever you prefer), and his Jack Sparrow character is today's ultimate personification of all things pirate.

I'm not saying pirates aren't cool, at least the romanticized concept of the pirate — whether Long John Silver or even Han Solo. (I also think there has always been piracy since the dawn of humanity, but whatever, such is not the point I am trying to make.)

But screw the ride at Disney. Forget the movie. Forget Johnny Depp. Forget all other pirate legends and lore. YOU WANT TO BE A GODDAMN PIRATE SO YOU CAN GO AROUND SAYING ARRR ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

That's what makes you an asshat. Not only do you sound like an asshat, going around, saying ARRR all the goddamn time, you're dressed like a pirate at some silly little festival typically celebrating a period of time which ended at least 100 or more years before your idealized pirates commanded the seas. Therefore, you've proven you didn't learn the slightest thing in your high school western civilization class and get your history from Netflix. You're just looking for an excuse to dress like a goddamn pirate and say ARRR. You think you have some sort of pirate ancestry because you enjoy downloading your music from Limewire?

Do you think actual pirates in the 1700s went around saying things like ARRR? No, seriously, do you? The first documented incidence of any "pirate" saying ARRR was in the 1950 Disney film Treasure Island. (Again, Disney had something to do it...)

I think I should mention, however, that the organizers of King Richard's Faire do offer pirate shows. According to the schedule, Pirate 101 and Pirate 102 are offered in the kiddie area. Ok. So I get you're trying to make it all family friendly when you have a bunch of women offering up cleavage they really shouldn't be offering up outside of their completely darkened bedroom. I could point out your bastardizing history at a young age, but whatever. I guess children need something to do and obviously, everyone likes pirates. But can't you offer something like Plague 101 and teach about hygiene as to not repeat the mistakes of the dark ages (or perhaps just do your part in preventing more nasty little grubby children)? I don't know.

I get it. Renaissance fairs are not supposed to be historically accurate, educational events. They are pure entertainment, a reason for adults to dress up in random costumes of whatever age they choose. I didn't think I was going to learn anything upon attending this little festival.

Wait. I did learn something. People who walk around saying ARRRR all the goddamn time are asshats.