Wednesday, March 12, 2008

SATC: Episodes 1-3

Every 2 years or so, I seem to revisit Sex and the City. At least some of the episodes. On DVD. Don't do the syndication thing. I do it to glean different things as I get older. Lame, right? But seriously, for some reason I appreciate it on different levels during every biannual semi-marathon because of the wisdom age brings. Yeah, yeah. I just sounded completely gay. One of my few definitive "chick" things. So why not rewatch the episodes before the movie comes out? And this time, I'm gonna watch all of them.  

I just stubbed my toe and its throbbing in pain. And typing on my laptop in bed. It's so Carrie! No, I'm just kidding (about the last part).

I cannot understand how this show is 10 years old. I grow nostalgic for the time when you could smoke in public places and decide to break my personal rules and have one in my bed. Because I'm so Carrie Bradshaw! The job description "website creator" is mentioned in the same breath as "publishing executive" and some other stuff. The dial-up world was sooooo cute, wasn't it? I realize I celebrated my 30th birthday at Lucky Cheng's last year. My toe is throbbing. I wonder why they never brought back Kurt Harrington, who Carrie sleeps with "like a man" even though he screwed her over at ages 26, 29 and 31. Because in actuality, you bump into those a lot. I still don't get Charlotte and I still absoeffinglutely love Big. And my toe is still throbbing.

Models & Mortals
Did Carrie have more straight male friends when this show began? Oh wow, I forgot how large the cell phone was in 1998. "I believe there is curse put on the head of anybody who tries to fix up their friends." Amen, Carrie, Amen. The underwear model Stanford manages has odd jettisoning shoulder bones. My toe is still throbbing. I am wondering why I still live in Boston when NYC is so damn close. Not because I think this show is a realistic depiction, but because I like it better. "I thought I had come to terms with my looks when I turned 30...", uh oh, this changes? (SEE? Gleaning new things here, gleaning new things.)

Bay of Married Pigs
This episode begins with Carrie going to the Hamptons and carrying one of those atrocious Vera Bradley bag. I am now wondering if this is what made those dreadful things so popular. Vera Bradley bags are some of the most terrible things ever constructed of fabric. My toe may have stopped throbbing. Do I fear married people? Do they fear me? Do I think I'm the "marrying kind"? Have I ever been on a surprise fix-up? No. I would like to think my friends know better. The "marrying guy" is dreadful and reminding me of some really bad dates. If a guy busted out a baby mobile in front of me, I don't even know if I could be polite. Should I wear more dresses? Oh wow, the "angry wife" who retrieves her broker husband from Samantha is totally the chick who plays Stabler's baby factory on L&O: SVU. My head is spinning from this contemplation!

If you were an Emperor's Club girl, what would your profile say?

Today's Gawker posted a blurred out profile for "Kristen" , who may or may not be the high-priced call girl who made some decent coin off NY Governor Eliot Spitzer.

Personally, I really don't care what politicians do in the bedroom. Or, for that matter, even in the Oval Office — unless it has to do with national and foreign policy. I don't think he should be forced to resign, even if he did go after several large prostitution rings on his way to the top. (I'm sure the dens of prostitution he went after featured sub-par employees who have been to say, Daytona Beach and not every "far-flung island in the world".) I don't even think prostitution should be illegal. Plus, I could get all philosophical here and say we're all a bunch of whores at some point in our lives when it comes down to it.

As a writer, I wonder who does the content and copy for these sites. Who writes the descriptions? I do like the vagueness attached to the final word of the description — refinements.

In the words of Jack White, you can't be a pimp and a prostitute too. So I'm gonna opt for being a pimp. At least for now. Because I am a pimp. However, I did feel the need to break up my morning grind by writing my OWN Emperor's Club profile. Just because it seems like a fun thing to do.

(NOTE: I didn't think swimsuit models were allowed to be 5'5". But the term "swimsuit model" is one of those very broad terms, much like "event coordinator" when used in the bio of any reality TV show chick who makes a complete asshat of themselves while trying to gain the affections of a single man with a seemingly big bank account.)

Daily Slag, Boston
Daily Slag
Daily Slag's career as an esteemed journalist and copywriter has led her on extraordinary adventures on several continents. She has tiptoed through the world's most reknowned wine-making regions without stumbling from intoxication and interviewed some of the entertainment world's most exciting filmmakers. But the DS is truly a renassiance woman, as she is just as likely to be found crudly bashing Tom Brady, warbling Blondie's One Way Or Another with adorable tone deafness at a karaoke dive bar and explaining the importance of the former Yugoslavia in regards to the future of EU economic development. And all on the same night. While she enjoys the artistry of the fashion industry and owns several dresses, she prefers dressing casually, in snug-fitting jeans and tank tops that proudly show off her best assets. But don't let her laid-back nature fool you, as she definitely enjoys big refinements.
Brown hair
Green eyes
27 years old

(NOTE: So I shaved a few years off my age. Whatever. It's not like I couldn't pass for 27.)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Fun with Haiku (and American Idol)

Actually, if you want to get technical, I think I actually wrote senyru, which is a humorous satrical form of haiku (there is no mention of snow or leaves or transendental ponds).

I'm not going to even get into how all of this began, because I hate myself for watching such manipulative tripe (I blame the writer's strike). In any case, my weekly "commentary" evolved into haiku during the last round of ladies' semifinals.

(Note: I'm totally not racist, but sometimes that one dirty Japanese word is just fun to bust out on occasion. And I have no right making fun of anyone who can sing, as I am pretty much tone deaf)

#1 Asia'h
Asia'h, I don't like those pants

Or Whitney Houston
Remember "Crack is so whack!"

#2 Kady
Oh Kady, so very cute

I'm sad you will leave
I hardly knew thee

#3 Amanda
I want to drink beer with you

And clink our glasses
Before starting a bar brawl

#4 Carly
I think I like you Carly

But I am not sure
Just pour me a tall Guinness

#5 Kristy Lee
Oh, Kristy, I don't like you

Its not jealousy
It's just that you are boring

#6 Ramiele
Tiny Asian going home

Will find fame one day
There is always bukkake

#7 Brooke
When you sing, I see tofu

Though you might eat meat
But I bet you shop Whole Foods

#8 Syesha
Syesha, don't let me down

I know you are fun
Don't go and get all boring

He's Like The Wind

For some reason, I'm really sad to hear that Patrick Swayze has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I've never found him sexy, or one of the best actors ever to grace the screen, but it's Patrick Swayze. You kind of just gotta like a little Swayze now and again.

Before the news was made public, Best Week Ever posted this great entry detailing Swayze's Top 20 Ridiculous Faces made in Ghost. Wow. Talk about scary timing (quantum physics?). After hearing the sad news about Swayze's condition, they also added the Top 5 Most Hansomest, Well-Acted Faces of Patrick Swayze in Ghost.

Personally, I think Swayze would get a kick out of the first entry. He's always appeared to be one who can make fun of himself. You have to be able to make fun of yourself, really, if you were in both Roadhouse (Doubly-sad, as Jeff Healey died of cancer earlier this week) and Point Break. You can't really take yourself seriously in a) a movie about a Phd-in-philosophy-bouncer-in-a-very-backwoods-Missouri-town-which-also-has-a-really-hot-blond-chick-doctor and b) any movie co-starring both Keanu Reeves and Gary Busey. Plus, when Swazye hosted SNL, he had no problem lampooning his "hunk" reputation in two of the show's greatest skits (Hanz & Franz and the oft-viewed Swayze vs. Farley Chippendale's Audition). Granted, Black Dog was definitely a career low, but we all have to pay our bills, and straight-to-DVD movies — especially ones involving driving semis, Randy Travis, an ominous black canine and "nail-biting" moments at a weigh station are probably a decent way to earn an easy paycheck. And hey, a couple years later, he had a great bit part in Donnie Darko.

When you think about it, Swayze is kind of an American treasure. Christ, he fought all those commies in Red Dawn? Wolverines, bitch, wolverines!!

I hope Swayze puts cancer in the corner.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Bill Clinton dons appropriate "ethnic" clothing, too

Ok Hilary. Stop acting like a desperate woman...Your husband wears appropriate dress when the occasion calls for it, too. There's nothing wrong with being respectful of another culture.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Most Amazing Song

While I am usually always disappointed with the Oscars, tonight hasn't been that bad. And Falling Slowly from Once won for Best Song!! It's the most beautiful, hopeful, heartbreaking, et al song and film. And thank you, Jon Stewart, for being effing classy. You brought Marketa Irglova back on to finish her speech. And she was lovely. I want to go curl up on my bed and listen to the Once soundtrack. And drown in sweet hopeful musical misery.

But dead people parade, that's all you give Heath? Come on!

Wonder how the picked the soldiers to announce the short film award. Had to have been some sort of competition on base. But do they get the $40K giftbag for presenters and nominees? I be thinking those kids need a relaxing private Caribbean cruise more than Cameron Diaz.

Ok. I stop now.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

This would have changed my life in high school

Summers during my adolescent years were spent at Riverport Amptheater (I think it is called something more corporate now...the UMB Bank Amptheater?), catching all those outdoor concerts in the cheap lawn seats. I saw a couple Lollapaloozas, Stone Temple Pilots, the Gin Blossoms, Reggae Sunsplash, even Jimmy Buffet (which, incidentally, is the best place for a teenager to find eager willing adults to buy them alcoholic beverages). For awhile I had a crap ID from "Ohio" that worked like a charm. A security guard once apologized to me for carding me while I was walking away with my Bud Light. I was smart. At the American ID Systems on 4th Ave & Grand, I chose Ohio, while others my age chose more "glamorous" states such as California, Hawaii or Florida. The lost their IDs not long after purchasing the "2 for $40" special. I think I had mine for a couple of years.

In any case, I thought back to the days of underage drinking when I saw this special item online. The Booze Bra (aka Wine Rack) can hold up to a full bottle of wine in a handy hydration pack nestled in an unassuming sports bra. It's like a Miracle Bra lined with the interior of a box of Franzia, but smaller — When its full, it even makes your breasts bigger. Had I had a Booze Bra in high school, perhaps I would have had more dates. Although I have always been a fast drinker, so the gig would have been up fairly soon after I arrived to the

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Someone stop this man

First off, the only good thing about being on a cruise with John Mayer would be the possibility that he might go overboard. But having to see John Mayer in Borat-style swimwear is more than I can take. Was this an attempt at being ironic or witty, or showing off his ability to poke fun at himself? No. It's lame. It's lame like a CBGB's T-shirt from Urban Outfitters, Hilary Clinton breaking down into tears, green & purple colored ketchup, artisan water and any other pathetic stab at irreverence.

Monday, February 04, 2008

I am such a geek 2.0

I want this to be my next road trip. Still some debate on whether it is or is not open to the public, but I may start begging this man by email.

It's lunchtime

Oh, Whole Foods. You're so eco-conscious and all natural and pseudo-European and all that good stuff. And you have such pretty prepared foods, how can one resist picking up a sandwich for lunch while on their way to work? Especially since you're supposed to save money going to a grocery store, even if you're just a tad bit overpriced.

This $7 chicken salad sandwich better be the world's best damn chicken salad sandwich. But I'm already guessing it's not because it was not $5, approximately 9" long, nor does it come on fresh-from-the-oven bread like the I-want-to-make-love-to-it sandwichs from Al's State Street Cafe in downtown Boston.

Part of me hates everything you stand for, Whole Foods. Sometimes, you make me just want to litter and eat Hot Pockets and drink Lil' Hugs and everthing else with artificial flavor and color.