Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Gimme my CoCo

I cannot tell you how excited I am for this upcoming event. (Scroll'll see what I'm talking about.)

Ice-T's beautiful and talented wife CoCo will bring her (Well, I've never heard her speak, but I know she's gonna be a nautral) subtly nuanced acting abilities to a guest starring role on Law and Order: SVU.

That's right. Ice-T and CoCo. Together! On television and not just on my computer or in my dreams!

Do you think they would let me attend Thanksgiving at their house?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

What goes on sometimes in my neighborhood

I like being able to walk out of my apartment building at 12:04 and still catch such chaos on film.
That's gotta be Schilling's ginger son.

No more helicopters

In about 25 minutes, I'll take my camera outside and photograph the masses coverged upon my neighborhood to see the Red Sox go by in duck boats. Yes, I'm a fan. I'm glad they won, although I am a bit saddened to see today's children grow up to only know a time where their sports teams dominated the field and there was little question over such domination. A person can't really live without experiencing a decent amount of pain and frankly, the same holds true for professional sports. It's safe to say in 20 years, teetering-on-adulthood Yankees fans will be more well adjusted and more able to adequately deal with heartache than their New England counterparts.

Child psychology aside, I really just want these damned helicopters to quit circling overhead. It's getting old. I suspect Oskar is losing his mind, judging from his behavior over the past week. Or maybe not. But I'm getting a bit tired of the constant background noise.

Boring blog post for a Tuesday morning. Because Tuesday is a rather dull day if you think about it.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Wanna write a convicted criminal?

I swear I've been productive today, but I did take a small break from productivity, watching a true crime show on A&E. Which led me to Crime Library. Which then led me to wondering about prison pen pals.

No. I do not want a prison pen pal, but I've always been curious about the people who seek out the incarcerated for online friendship. Born-again Christians intent on saving a soul or meeting like-minded individuals? Lonely women who would eagerly engage in coital activities with the Ted Bundys and Scott Petersons of the world?

So I began perusing some of these pen pal sites. There are quite a few of them out there. I wasn't so much looking for the profiles as I was sifting through the pages which lead to the actual profiles, for information about how they operate.

I then stumbled upon the most peculiar marketing photograph.

Just look at it. I imagine, judging by the model's attire, it's meant to suggest she is a prisoner longing for a pen pal. But wait. Is it the image of a woman who wants to write to an incarcerated man? She's in full make-up, her hair is styled and she dons semi-ornate earrings. Are the bars in the background to suggest she is in prison or do they serve as a simple metaphor for lonely women with a yen for dangerous men? Judging by the crude graphic design and model's appearance, it appears to have been created over a decade ago because brings to mind the opening credits for Saved By The Bell.

I just found this to be amusing. And now I'm wondering if it is stock photography found under the search term "prison" and the ilk. Who was the creative director on this shoot?

Why am I fascinated?

Ok. Must stop this inane curiosity. The productivity is slipping...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Even Oskar has had it with me

A red wine-induced hangover got Tuesday off to a less-than-auspicious start and things went downhill soon after I awoke. The laundry is still not done and my living room floor is covered in a massive pile of travel literature accumulated in Croatia.

Even Oskar has had enough of me. He no longer wants to sit in the same space, gazing up adoringly at me in between naps. He is hiding somewhere, my sweatpants and glasses-clad personage has become persona non grata in the scruffy orange commie cat's eyes.

He wants me to get a life. Perhaps then I can return to his good graces. But he best come around in the meantime. I'm the hand that feeds him.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Yo, asshat. Did you pass high school history?

<-- (I may be only 15, but I'm plump 'n' pure pirate booty in fetish boots)

As a person open to attending gatherings sometimes referred to as alternative by the general public, I have often wondered about the ye olde renaissance fair. This year, I was finally able to attend the King Richard's Faire in Carver, MA on its final day of the season.

Ok. Renaissance. That's French for rebirth. It refers to a period of time between the 14th and 17th centuries (or 1300–1600). It was a cultural rebirth following the middle or dark ages.

When I think Renaissance, I think, oh, Shakespeare. Some Michangelo. The last vestiges of knighthood, perhaps. A new beginning for philosophy after forced Christianity and stupidity. A rediscovery of things thought lost since the Greek and Roman empires.

I don't think PIRATES.

Pirates. Um, yeah. First off, popular culture does not depict the "golden era" of the pirate until extensive European exploration of the Caribbean. These pirates we tend to think of, in all their glory, really didn't come into their own until the early to mid 1700s.

That's not the effing Renaissance. So why the eff are you, an adult, running around a Renaissance fair in full pirate attire? Why is it I am forced to hear someone say ARRRR every 10 goddamn minutes?

Pirates, in the traditional sense, as perceived by popular culture or manufactured by Disney and Jerry effing Bruckheimer, that's something entirely different. I get that a vast number of men with nary a homosexual tendency what to speak of would drop the soap for Johnny Depp (or at least want to be him, whichever you prefer), and his Jack Sparrow character is today's ultimate personification of all things pirate.

I'm not saying pirates aren't cool, at least the romanticized concept of the pirate — whether Long John Silver or even Han Solo. (I also think there has always been piracy since the dawn of humanity, but whatever, such is not the point I am trying to make.)

But screw the ride at Disney. Forget the movie. Forget Johnny Depp. Forget all other pirate legends and lore. YOU WANT TO BE A GODDAMN PIRATE SO YOU CAN GO AROUND SAYING ARRR ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

That's what makes you an asshat. Not only do you sound like an asshat, going around, saying ARRR all the goddamn time, you're dressed like a pirate at some silly little festival typically celebrating a period of time which ended at least 100 or more years before your idealized pirates commanded the seas. Therefore, you've proven you didn't learn the slightest thing in your high school western civilization class and get your history from Netflix. You're just looking for an excuse to dress like a goddamn pirate and say ARRR. You think you have some sort of pirate ancestry because you enjoy downloading your music from Limewire?

Do you think actual pirates in the 1700s went around saying things like ARRR? No, seriously, do you? The first documented incidence of any "pirate" saying ARRR was in the 1950 Disney film Treasure Island. (Again, Disney had something to do it...)

I think I should mention, however, that the organizers of King Richard's Faire do offer pirate shows. According to the schedule, Pirate 101 and Pirate 102 are offered in the kiddie area. Ok. So I get you're trying to make it all family friendly when you have a bunch of women offering up cleavage they really shouldn't be offering up outside of their completely darkened bedroom. I could point out your bastardizing history at a young age, but whatever. I guess children need something to do and obviously, everyone likes pirates. But can't you offer something like Plague 101 and teach about hygiene as to not repeat the mistakes of the dark ages (or perhaps just do your part in preventing more nasty little grubby children)? I don't know.

I get it. Renaissance fairs are not supposed to be historically accurate, educational events. They are pure entertainment, a reason for adults to dress up in random costumes of whatever age they choose. I didn't think I was going to learn anything upon attending this little festival.

Wait. I did learn something. People who walk around saying ARRRR all the goddamn time are asshats.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Stupid Surveys

I used to sometimes like these things via email. Now they're always used in MySpace bulletins. I hate posting MySpace bulletins. But I figured, with my intentions of writing more on this damn thing...I would do a stupid bulletin.

How old will you be in 13 months?

Do you think you'll be married by then?

What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
I can't think of a thing. Let me get back to you.

Who was the last person to text you?
Aural Lice

Do you prefer call or text?

Do you have any pets?
Oskar! The scruffy orange commie cat with dog-like tendencies

What were you doing at 12 am last night?
Uh, sudoku and watching Degrassi: The Next Generation. Shoot me now.

Do you like carrots?
I am carrots.

When is the last time you saw your mom?
December 29, 2007

How many houses have you lived in?
10 (including apartments)

How many city/towns have you lived in?

Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Huh? Depends on what the eff I'm going to be walking on, you eff-nut.

Are you a social person?
I can be.

What was the last thing you ate?

What is your favorite color?

What are you doing for your next birthday?
I don't even know what I'm doing next week.

What is your favorite TV show?
Battlestar Galactica, South Park, Entourage, Flight of the Conchords, ANTM

What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Sometimes you feel like grape jelly. Sometimes you feel like strawberry jam.

Do you like coffee?
Sure. But I'll make sure to have someone slip a note in its locker during study hall to see if it likes me.

What are you listening to?
Relative silence peppered with white noise

Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?

Do you know how to play poker?
Yes. But there are several forms of poker so I think this question has a much too general scope.

What are you thinking about right now?
Why am I doing to ridiculous survey?

Any plans for this weekend?
Cleaning. Laundry. Shoot me now.

Have you ever been in an ambulance?
Once. Valentine's Day 1998. Lake Ozark, MO. Very glamorous.

Do you prefer an ocean or pool?
One should not be made to choose.

Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
Bit rusty, so probably not anymore. But I'm a quick learner.

What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Airfare. Clothing. Origami.

Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
A pair of earrings and a ring. And often a necklace.

Who is the funniest person you know?
I tend to surround myself with funny people. Why choose?

Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
The Stay Puff Marshmellow man is technically not an animal, but a character. He hangs out, ok? I'm a grown woman. He doesn't travel with me, but he hangs out. Don't judge me, you sick honkey.

What is the main ring tone on your phone?
Call Me by Blondie

What is the color of your bedroom walls?
White. I rent.

Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth?
Actually, I do. Or I try to because it saves X many gallons. Does this make me green?

Do you wish someone was with you right now?
I would like to shower first.

Are you mad about anything?
Mambo. Max.

Are you taken or single?
Why are you asking?

And another one for good measure...

Who was the last person you hung out with, actual one-on-one?

Do you think you're approachable?

How do you feel about the person you kissed last?
I did good.

Do you regret doing anything in the past several weeks?
Christ, no.

When was the last time you had alcohol?
Wednesday evening

Are you a partier?
When the mood strikes

What do you think of when you hear the word "slut"?
John Mayer

Do you have a dirty mind?
It's the one thing I refuse to clean up.

Would you ever work as a stripper if it were the only available job for you?
I suppose I have the skills, but I'm not a very good liar. Donning a polyester "evening gown" and
lapdances would probably get me fired on my first night out.

Have you been pressured to do anything recently?
Pressuing. How all after school specials begin.

Who's the sweetest person you know right now?

Do you know anyone with a serious illness?
I know a few people with serious mental problems.

Do you like your name?

Is anyone interested in you right now?
Who knows

Who is the 5th text in your inbox from?

What's your favorite number?

Would you ever cross-dress?
According to those in the Pentecostal faith, I already do.

Do you have a Facebook?

Do you hate anyone?
Don't be a hater

When was the last time you went to the movies?
A month ago, to review some crap called The Brothers Solomon

Are you a good speller?

What's your worst habit?
I don't need to make a list

Are you listening to any music? What song?

Would you ever give your number out over the Internet?

What's your shoe size?
7–8 in US sizes

Do you still talk to the person you last had a thing with?
That's a complicated question

Do you love someone?
My black heart is overflowing with love

Have you ever lost the person you loved?
Huh? Another much too general question.

What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged?
Which ex?

Would you ever cheat on your bf/gf with a really hot guy/girl?
I'll decide should I ever get myself in such a situation

Would you rather feel pain or be numb?

Do you like competition?
Depends on the game

Would you ever stay with someone, just because you didn't want to break their heart?

Have you ever taken anyone/anything for granted?

Do you hate being alone?
Everyone needs to be alone sometimes

Has anyone ever broken your heart?

Last time you went swimming in a pool?
A little over a week ago in Dubrovnik

Where was the last place you went shopping?

How do you feel about your hair?
That I want to know what its feeling.

Christ, I feel so gay right now. I just remembered why I never do these things.

Jesus Built My T-Shirt

Christian clothing fascinates me for some reason, typically pentecostal, ankle-length skirts paired with high-collared blouses, that sort of thing. But it can extend further than the obvious, especially as this emerging subculture of Christian hipsters appear to be exposing themselves outside the confines of acoustic youth ministry rock bands.

Do you call them Chipsters?

Call me a heathen, but I didn't understand some of the designs. Maybe I didn't look closely enough, but this Jesus Branded line is just um, I guess its sort of like those guys I went to high school with who sported pothead attire with floppy hair and chonging wood crosses around their necks. You always scratched your head when you saw them, because they seemed to be stoned. Or were they just high on Christ...I suppose I will never ever know. And I'm okay with that.

Friday, October 19, 2007

In hip hop, this is called a shout out

You may notice some design / template changes and some adds to my links sections. The template change is just an experiment, but I wanted to add some great new people / sites to my random links list.

In any case, if you feel my opinion has any sort of worth whatsoever, I'm gonna direct you to checking these out whenever you have a chance.

Adventure Girl — This is an amazing new friend of mine from LA, Stefanie Michaels. We traveled through Croatia together as part of the press tour. She's smart and gorgeous and funny and has done all sorts of incredible things (for instance, she MUSHED in the Iditarod. Mushing has been a long-time dream of mine). Stefanie and I went off on our own a couple of times during our trip to do more adventurous activities. We also had a knack for stumbling into unbelievable jewelry stores and blowing cash we should not have been spending.

Aural Lice — Aural Lice and I have been close friends for over a year now. When we were first introduced by a mutual friend, I was excited because I needed to do a profile on someone "interesting" for a feature writing class I was taking. I discovered Aural Lice loves audio in ways extending far beyond enjoying the ability to hear sounds. For instance, he's saved every voice mail he's received for the last eight years. So I'm REALLY excited AL is back to getting creative these days because he's one of the most visionary people I've ever met. His blog and podcasts chronicle a lot of the bizarre things people discuss on a daily basis. And yes, he tapes people with their knowledge so there's no Linda Tripp action going on. Keep checking, because he has some upcoming posts that are absolutely amazing. You will definitely want to subscribe to his podcast.

On The Globe — This is a longtime travel website written by Andrew Princz. Princz was also on my press tour of Croatia. He recently moved back to Montreal after spending the last eight years in Budapest. He was also an author for the Frommer's Budapest and the Best of Hungary guidebook, as well as contributed to the Wall Street Journal's international edition. He's a great writer and talented guy. I also like to refer to him as The Cleaner, because he just reminds me of the guy you call in after a botched hit job (e.g., La Femme Nikita, Pulp Fiction).

Kling Bags — My cousin, Natasha, makes these incredible handbags out of vinyl and duct tape. Check out her goods, they're quite extraordinary. If you're like me and would rather carry something original than a big designer label, this is definitely up your alley.

Home Sickeningly Sweet Home

A mere week ago, I was having a perfectly nice time in Zagreb, stopping over to visit friends at the conclusion of a week-long press tour of the Dalmatian Coast in Croatia. I was constantly referred to as an American Journalist, which made me sound semi-cool and as if I had unlimited job prospects.

A week later, here I sit on my computer, in my apartment, sometimes gazing at my scruffy orange commie cat, Oskar. My time is now spent going through general bouts of wanting to slam my head against the wall, perusing photos of both my time in Croatia and the previous week in Oregon wine country, sobbing internally with each phone call or email query I make regarding any open copywriting positions, and slapping myself for feeling like an ungrateful asshat after I've just spent two weeks seeing some of the most beautiful places and things a person could imagine.

The life of a copywriter / travel journalist should be a bit more glamorous, right? To go from getting a nightly knock on my hotel room door asking if I want chocolate to wondering if any educated 30-year-old woman should be contemplating ramen for dinner and if anyone will ever hire me is sick & twisted. Especially in the span of days. While I was prepared for this to happen, it was easy to put it out of my mind while I was getting fed copious amounts of homemade chardonnay in a tiny bar in Korcula while singing along to Guantanamera with the bar owner and two bike tour guides. It was easy to put these frightening thoughts aside when I was driving an ATV through the hills in Trogir, surrounded on each side by the Adriatic. It was easy to forget I had no real job to return to while I was walking the wall in Dubrovnik.

But all good things have to come to an end. And reality is always right there where we left it.

It's a cruel world. Wait. Allow me to amend. It's a beautiful cruel world.