Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Stranger in a strange hand

This curious news item appeared mid-August. Obviously, I have been living under a rock since I only found out about it the other night. Lina and I were sitting in her torn-apart living room (she's moving) and going through the latest issue of Vanity Fair.

She says, "Did you see something about Bush reading The Stranger in here?"

She tells me this because she knows The Stranger is my all-time favorite book. Ever since I was 17. It was assigned reading. I told my Honors English teacher I wanted to adapt it into a film. (I think at the time, I mean, it was 1995, I envisioned
Keanu Reeves as Mersault. Come on! I was only 17!)

Obvious, we were enjoying vodka-based beverages so we naturally got sidetracked and began looking up crap on YouTube. The next day, however, I Google-ed the information.

Sure enough, Lena was correct. It may not have appeared in that particular issue of Vanity Fair, but it certainly made the news earlier this month while Bush was on vacation at his Crawford ranch.

Of course such an event would make the news. Bush has said his favorite book is the Bible and his favorite "philosopher" was Jesus. And the only other book I know for certain he has read is The Pet Goat.

Why the hell would Bush be reading the most famous novel by the beloved French author
Albert Camus?

Media outlets like Slate begged for more information regarding the President's vacation read. On The Daily Show,Jon Stewart pointed out, for those who have never had the pleasure of reading The Stranger, "it's a book about a Westerner who kills an Arab and dies with no remorse. Why it would strike a nerve, I don't know."

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said that the President found the book to be an "interesting read" and commented that they had a brief conversation on the origins of French existentialism.


This disbelief that Bush would read such a novel stems not only from the book's ironic subject matter, but because, well, the President reading any deep literature is just amusing in itself. When it became public knowledge that President Clinton (all hail) gifted Monica Lewinsky with Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass, it didn't seem that odd. In spite of what many may (still) think of Clinton, and all of the coverage surrounding the Lewinsky scandal, the fact that Clinton presented his mistress with a beloved piece of American literature didn't seem completely bizarre. Clinton was a literate intellectual. But President Bush reading The Stranger while on vacation? Absolutely and completely bizarre (er...absurd).

Why the hell would Bush be interested in French extentialism? Granted, over a year ago, he quoted Camus while speaking in Brussels, but we all know he doesn't actually write those speeches. And his use of "freedom is a long-distance race" is quite ironic, mainly because Camus' idea of freedom was one which could only be achieved once society was freed from the restrictions of religious dogma.

Going back to Tony Snow's comment about he and the President's dicussion of "French Existentialism", it is important to note that most Camus historians believe Camus would have rejected his work being classified into the extentialist genre. Many would say that he subscribed to absurdist philosophies, but much of Camus' work questioned how absurdism played into our lives -- can life be meaningful while having no meaning? Subconsciously, could Bush be questioning his motives and the legacy of his politcal career?

During his time, Camus was well-known as a vocal political activist opposed to totalitarian movements. His extentialist contemporary, Sartre, was an ardent Marxist (this supposedly led to the end of their friendship, as Camus opposed totalitarian politics on each side of the spectrum). He was a member of the French resistence to the Nazi Occupation and spoke out against the Soviet Union throughout his life.

There is no doubt in my mind that Bush sees himself as the leader of anti-totalitarianism in today's world, a concept he so frequently contradicts in policy and subsequent action. However, it is obvious he fails to see any of this contradiction, even though the simple statement of being "either with us or against us" reeks of totalitarianism. His blind faith in Evangelical Christian "morality"? Also totalitarianism.

In 1957, in a speech commerating the 1956 Hungarian Revolution against the U.S.S.R., Camus made this statement:

But I am not one of those who think that there can be a compromise, even one made with resignation, even provisional, with a regime of terror which has as much right to call itself socialist as the executioners of the Inquisition had to call themselves Christians.

If he were alive today, don't you wonder what Camus would be saying now?

Maybe I should give credit to Bush for reading The Stranger, but I doubt it was done to broaden his horizons. I think he really just read the words, reading...but numb to what the words are acutally saying.

When Mersault killed the Arab, he may have not felt the "remorse" we are trained and conditioned to feel after doing something wrong. But Mersault was not completely immune to the affects of his actions.

Then I fired four more times at the motionless body where the bullets lodged without leaving a trace. And it was like knocking four quick times on the door of unhappiness.

Mr. President, are you knocking on that door of unhappiness?

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Screw You Jonathan Franzen

Ok. Jonathan Franzen recently published his memoirs. Fabulous.

I have read both The Twenty-Seventh City and The Corrections. The first of which is a fictional account of several families in St. Louis. In The Corrections, a mythical city of St. Jude (the Patron Saint of Lost Causes, as he points out upon first mention) stands in for St. Louis. Both books were engrossing yet mired in pompous dribble. As I finished both, I felt sort of dirty and empty, although I had devoured each novel in record time. It could be compared to eating a incredibly rich meal in an expensive restaurant with the most amazing ambiance, yet when you clean your plate, you realize that the food just wasn't that good.

Yo, Franzen. We get it. Your intellectual & pompous ass just has to prove it's better than where they grew up. You really should get some serious therapy and learn how to deal with the fact you were born and raised in St. Louis. You obviously can't get over geography and frankly, it is beyond annoying AND offensive.

I take offense because I was born and raised in St. Louis. Yes, I moved away. No, I do not plan on ever moving back. Am I ashamed of where I grew up? Hell no. Every time I get on the plane after visiting I still get a bit teary-eyed because it means I having to leave people I love. The majority of my family still lives there. Many of my closest friends have built lives and families there. Are they ignorant and blind to the world beyond Highways 40, 44 & 270? No. Most of them are not (Hey, we all know morons). And after living in Boston for over 6 years, I can attest that close-minded ignorance is epidemic of every region. It's just part of life. Stupid people exist everywhere.

The fact Franzen can't stop whining about his formative years is clear-cut evidence of his ignorant blindness to the world.

The
NY Times just reviewed Franzen's memoirs, The Discomfort Zone: A Personal History. For those of you unfamiliar with the St. Louis area, I feel the need to point out some things which would be lost upon the casual reader. The Times' book reviewer, Michiko Kakutani refers to "the town of Webster Groves" (which Franzen apparently describes as "in the middle of the country in the middle of the golden age of the American middle class". Yikes. A nice description in some sense, but stop trying to be the second coming of F. Scott Fitzgerald, Franzen).

Webster Groves is not a "town", per se. It is a suburb. St. Louis is structured differently from most municipalities. The City and County are separate, referred to as St. Louis City and St. Louis County. True "towns" do not exist for perhaps 50 miles outside (in most directions, and if you're from St. Louis, you think of this in terms of the highways). Webster Groves is also one of the older suburbs in the area, located in closer proximity to downtown than the other areas which have been so heavily populated with strip mall monstrosities (Hello? THE VALLEY? THE VALLEY?). It is an area of St. Louis county with older, charming houses and a lot of character (Shall I throw in something about it being now being a gilded suburb in the golden age of upper middle class?). There is a pleasant lack of aluminum siding and Poltergeist-ish subdivisions. The "downtown" area of Webster Groves remains a "downtown" area in which people could explore on foot, unlike the newer suburbs which have been overrun with chain restaurants.

(To Franzen's credit, on his website, he refers to Webster Groves as a suburb.)

Sure, St. Louis has its faults. But no place is perfect. There are places which make me cringe...and there are places which overwhelm me with their beauty. The Calvary Cemetary in South City has the most incredible masouleums (one of which was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright) and driving electric boats with my father in the lake at Forest Park remains my most treasured childhood memory.

So, Franzen. Shove it. You really should direct your gift with language into something more constructive than bitching about your childhood neighborhood. In your memoirs, you apparently own up to being a judgmental prick. Good. That's a start. It's okay to be a judgmental prick. Just stop whining about something you can't control. You were born and raised in St. Louis. Deal. Maybe you should get drinks with Brad Pitt. He's from SPRINGFIELD. Have you ever been to Springfield, Franzen? The birthplace of cashew chicken and numerous marry-me-on-reality-TV stars? The home to many a store selling W.W.J.D. merchandise? I doubt it. Jesus, Franzen, I bet you never even ventured into Bridgeton. But that Brad Pitt. I hear he still actually visits Springfield. I've never even heard about him publically saying an unkind thing about the Southwestern Missouri town (almost in Oklahoma!) he grew up in.

And he's doing quite well for himself, don't you think? He got over it. I got over it. Maybe you should get over it, too.

(Being from St. Louis, I believe this is where I have to throw in the obligatory "Go Cards".)

Monday, August 28, 2006

greenmelinda rides again

As promised, greenmelinda is now up and running. It's my portfolio site -- and still a major work in progress. (So don't hold that against me if you want to find me a job or something.)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Tom Cruise Wants Yahoo! Cash


I was instructed to add this bit of "very true gossip" from an L.A. buddy on my blog...

(And since we all now how much I loathe those pesky scientologists and Tom Cruise, I felt obliged.)

Today,
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes went to the Yahoo! offices in an attempt to drum up cash for his production company (if you've seen the news, Paramount dropped him this week). He went in to meet with executives with his very miserable-looking slave girl in tow.

(Obviously, it would be unrise to leave Slave Starlet at home, lest she run away with Suri, er...the "second-coming" of L. Ron.)

I guess he thinks Yahoo! will pony up some cash since they've had him do corporate events in the past. I don't understand why he doesn't just go to that big scientologist movie-making factory located somewhere in the desert.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Appalachia is HOT

A friend sent this to me. I really cannot think of the words that may best describe it.

Hot, hot, hot, perhaps?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVENWl8uBeg


Friday, July 28, 2006

The Passion of the Drunk

Awesome! Okay, I know I shouldn't laugh at anyone's misfortune of driving while intoxicated. But Mel Gibson? Mel Gibson?

Awesome! I've read he used to be a big drinker, but you know, he found Jesus and grew a religious beard and all that crap. And he would always say how he was so above needing a drink now and again, how its against his faith, yada yada yada (even though boozing is cool in Catholicism).

Ooops. Busted along the PCH for a DUI. I love it when smug, "pious" celebrities and / or public figures get busted for doing something they claim to be beyond or above at this point in their life. Sometimes, there is a little justice in this world!

I can't wait for Tom Cruise to be busted snorting Ritalin and going all gladiator on Lance Bass.

http://robots.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/28/gibson.dui/index.html

It's Not TV. It's HBO

Behold the power of HBO original programming. The Defamer and the L.A. Times picked up this story which may or may not confirm that negotiations are being made to make a feature-length film version of Aquaman.

Any fan of Entourage is familiar with the fictional, record-breaking, James Cameron-directed film starring the also-fictional Vincent Chase. Ironically, one of the agents named in the discussions is Ari Emanuel, the inspiration for Jeremy Piven's brilliant Ari Gold.

Would I go see Aquaman? Yes. If it starred Adrian Grenier. And it would be wise to throw in Mandy Moore as Aquagirl. It would be even more incredible to get Cameron to direct an actual film based on a second-fiddle comic hero. I don't really think this film could be done any other way.

I would love to see this made just because it would make Hollywood interesting. A television show satirizing the industry creates a fake movie, initiates buzz and popularity about the "project", and then leads to an actual feature-length film? It's art imitating life imitating art.

And that's just why the only Aquaman can be Vincent Chase, er, Adrian Grenier.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Hoff his fracking rocker


David Hasselhoff continues to astound me. For instance, how does he continue to keep making music? The whole "big in Europe" thing is largely a farce, as I have met several Germans who say a Hasselhoff concert is something you would only take a small child to.

His new song, Jump In My Car, is supposedly poised to break the Top 10 charts in Britain. People are talking about a Hoff resurgence. When was this man ever taken seriously? I've always equated him to being the second-coming of Michael Landon.

Out of a sick curiousity, I felt it necessary to seek out this song. Obviously, people like me are everywhere because it's become quite popular on Google Video and You Tube. I think it may be an ode to streetwalkers while simutaneously capitalizing on his Knight Rider and Baywatch glory.

Watch it. It does not disappoint. Your make choke on a tiny bit of your own vomit, but it is impossible for one to turn away.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3382491587979249836

It's not over. You can even watch the short documentary on the making of this video. The fact that the crew and female co-stars are allowing themselves to be filmed without a hint of shame or irony is almost compelling. These poor young wannabe actresses. This has to be a fate worse than falling into amateur adult videos.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2088885157790085053

Because it just demands to be posted one more time...

This is a copy of the "Meat Papers", which was written nearly a year ago. You can also find it at Where's Axl if you are so inclined.

This was initially exchanged on July 29, 2005.

I will begin with Katelyn's letter to ground beef. What follows was (my) ground beef's heartfelt response.

Dear Hamburger Meat,

I am sorry to have to do this, but I think we need some time apart. I know you've been there for me for so many years, but I really think it's time to move on. After seeing you last night in my toilet bowl, after a half an hour of nausea from your undercooked-ness and whatever parasites you may have been carrying, it occurred to me: we're moving in opposite directions. Last night, you were clearly moving up, while I wanted so badly for you to stay down. It finally took me popping a blood vessel in my eye from all the retching to realize that this is just not meant to be.

It's not you, it's me. We've had a lot of good times - you let me eat you in secret while maintaining a facade of vegetarianism so that I could keep my vegan friends happy. You were there on roadtrips, at concerts, at late night burger-fests. You even managed to stay in my life during that 2-day stint in Toronto with Jeff. We've been through everything together - patty melts, North End burgers, South End burgers, mushroom melts, and even steak tartar at that Ethiopian place (yes, you were hot naked). But let's not let the goud times we shared cloud the reality that is the essence of us: we're moving farther and farther apart.

Don't cry, Hamburger - I'll always have a special place in my heart for you. Every time my dad throws a veggie burger on the grill, I'll always wonder, "What could have been?" But for now, Darling, I need some time to regroup, some time to reintroduce myself to my old friends - Mushroom, Soy, and Tofu. I'll still see you in passing and have fond thoughts, but I think this time apart will do us good. Maybe there will be a chance for us, someday, but I don't want us to dwell on that. Find a nice girl - a Viking, perhaps, or a Southerner - someone who really appreciates you for who you are and doesn't want to change you. I wish I could say I'm the one for you, but I think it's obvious I'm not. We're too different: I like Radiohead and you like Kenny Chesney. I like Jon Stewart, you like John Wayne. I like ketchup, you love mustard. Let's let bygones be bygones. The world is our oyster, Hamburger; let's shuck the heck out of it.

With tenderness, Katelyn


Dear Katelyn,

I think I take offense to that. Kenny Chesney prefers fried chicken. John Wayne ate buffalo. A hamburger is more the tastes of your cute little indie rock boys that arent as pretentious as the vegan ones. The cute little ones you really desire, the ones who (like you) have a disdain for daddys money and long to subsist on the greasy goodness found on the grills of such dive establishments as Bukowskis and Charlies? Come on, you really think I dig listening to Moby and Coldplay? I wouldnt want those overexposed pipsqueaks to enjoy the succulent tastes that I have to offer.

What else was I going to do with my life besides offer the world a tasty snack in medium well form (mainly because anyone that doesnt eat their burgers medium well should have their heads examined. Cook me!). If I could find a cure for cancer, get Bush impeached, or prevent Britney Spears from having babies, of course I would. Unfortunately, for now I am but a mere cow and the only thing I look forward to is finding out how I am prepared in the after life. And what sort of friend were you? Ive provided sustenance for centuries and you know you enjoyed sinking your teeth into my carnivorous goodness.

Ah, but your pretentious veggie friends could never see. You couldnt pretend to do this radical bit if you enjoyed a bacon & swiss burger now, could you? Its a lot like when Ryan first arrived in Newport and Marissa wouldnt give up her relationship with Luke because he was a more dignified suitor. Of course, he had to slum it with her in the end when all of his friends dissed him because his father was gay. See? Vegans are much like those popular people in school that you just want to be like, but know youre not. Theyre also willing to diss you if something bad came out, because owning DVDs of The O.C. and the soundtrack to On the Line is pretty much the equivalent of having a gay parent in Newport. And if youre really as liberal as you claim you are, would you really want friends like that?

Oh, Katelyn. Perhaps they made me too rare last night. Or maybe you drank too much (its not as if you NEVER do that). Like everything in life, we cannot all be perfect. Getting cooked or marinated improperly is much like being a Scientologist. You cant tenderize meats with vitamins, can you? NO! I always laugh at how you flip back and forth about what is right and wrong (or cool and uncool) oh so easily. Because I know that you always come crawling back to me, however, enough is enough.

I dont want your friendship if its only on your terms. I hate the South and Ive never been to Norway and I find your liberal, open-minded viewpoint appaling. Why would I want you to enjoy my meaty goodness when you spend your time denying my existence in your life or speaking about how you shouldnt enjoy me. Its a lot like Whitney Houston telling Barbara Walters that crack is whack, isnt it? She wanted the viewers to think that she was over that part of her life, when she really was speaking of her addiction as something she loved more than putting corn rows in Bobbi Kristinas hair. Well this bag of ground beef wants to dance with someone that loves me. Someone like Benjamin McKenzie: that Texas-bred boy just loves piling me up with ketchup and onions and biting down. Something of which I can assure you, will never happen to the likes of your wannabe vegan butt. Jon Stewart adores me without cheese, but your brand of wannabe original politics aint kosher. And we all know Richard Chamberlain prefers the meat. You think Kevin Costner is going to serve you up some curried tofu if you snuck into his Montana ranch. I dont think so, sweetheart. I can understand if you had religious issues that barred you from enjoying my awesome angus-ness, but babe, youre Catholic and your parents wrapped you in proscuitto as a child. And that was no exotic doll they gave you to sleep with. That was 1.5 pounds of pure Italian Sausage with a curly blonde wig on top. So you may think youre being different. You may think youre being cool. I know youll want to meet up again in the near future, but Im not coming back. Getting stuck in your poser belly is the last thing this USDA prime cut wants to do.

Because youre technically still employed at Starbucks, capitalist America at its worst. Thats nice you offer the choice of free trade coffee now, but really too little and too late. Its a wonderful thing to see all of your people at work in the same conglomerate (oooops, I meant neighborhood coffee emporium), you know fighting the system and believing in PETA. Ha! I almost spit out my cud and grass smoothie thinking of you hawking mocha lattes and Norah Jones CDs. Yeah. And the other day I was in Jersey, sitting on the table in front of Bruce Springsteen and he wanted me to tell you that only meateaters (aka tramps like him) are born to run. So you can take your gardenburger and hang out with Lauren Bush. Im hanging with The Boss now.

Think of me the next time you complain how broke you are and then shop at Whole Foods. You know, in the frozen food aisle when you pick up some meatless sausage links. Because if being a carnivore was so nasty, vegans wouldnt be making things out of soy to simulate what I am naturally. Which makes dining on soy burgers a rather phony act. Its not like I would expect anyone who worked at Starbucks to be phony now, would I?

Good riddance, The Hamburgler

John Tesh: Ultimate Renaissance Man

I somehow stumbled upon this and initially believed it to be a joke.

http://www.myspace.com/johnteshlive

Yes...THAT John Tesh. Although, I suppose I should give a man with such a diverse resume a bit of credit. How many other people have anchored an oft-watched celebrity "news" magazine (while sitting next to a woman who supposedly induced epileptic seizures in a viewer), commentated AND composed music for women's gymnastics (at a World and Olympic level), and creates music that "sounds like" Yanni and is "influenced" by Christ's love? Not many. And he's even married to
Connie Selleca, which probably guarantees him a meeting with top executives at the Lifetime network at any time and place he so desires.

He's sort of like Hasselhoff without the stench of booze. Or a multi-faceted Jack Wagner. I'm not really sure what to think of this John Tesh honkey.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Dark & Twisted Puppies

From E!Online...

The 30-year-old actor reportedly led Bradford straight to NBC's awaiting security guards, but not before, according to Access Hollywood, she left a copy of Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy, a self-published book detailing her alleged encounters with the Irish actor, on Leno's desk.

(Check out this chick's MySpace page. It's seriously whacked. Seriously. She supposedly penned another tome devoted to her S&M adventures with Alec Baldwin.)

That is fabulous. I hope I can have someone else publish a book I write one day with "Dark Twisted Puppy" in the title.

She also offers a recipe for the "Colin Farrell is My Bitch" cocktail. It sounds potentially lethal.

1/2 oz Bacardi 151 rum
1/2 oz Goldschlager cinnamon schnapps
1/2 oz Jagermeister herbal liqueur
1/2 oz Patron

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,19556,00.html?fdnews

I Want SexyBack

I figured out that Justin Timberlake was actually sort of cool a few years ago. It began when I realized I really dug Rock Your Body. Then, a friend of mine was convinced he could get tickets to the VMAs for cheap at the last minute. Ha. We did, however, attend Justin Timberlake's post-VMA show at the Hammerstein Ballroom. The guy could actually play instruments. My view of the stage was obstructed by an overweight, teenaged goth girl.

This disturbed me not because she was obstructing my view and yelling obnoxiously, but because I found it so amusing someone dressed so "goth" was so into a Justin Timberlake performance. In my pubescent halcyon years, someone who was a goth was a goth. I decided that today's "goth-looking" kids are just that -- goth looking. Goth has been reduced to
Hot Topic in this day and age. It sort of made me sad. I wanted to go home and curl up on my bed in a deep melancholy while listening to The Cure.

The night also included my friend most likely being roofied at the previous bar, as she is a champion drinker and was unable to barely move from the circular booth surrounding the Hammerstein after consuming only 3 miniscule vodka beverages. While tending to her, I also encountered a pile of vomit on the floor. It was covered in sawdust, a la elementary school.

I digress. And I'm going to digress further. Justin Timberlake has a new song out called SexyBack. It's from his forthcoming FutureSex / LoveSounds album. The title of the album sort of annoys me because its reminiscent of that whole LoveAngelMusicBaby thing Gwen Stefani did (essentially to promote her clothing and handbag lines). I suppose JT's album, and
recent comments that he enjoys using drugs recreationally, is the final stage in breaking free from those boy band shackles. I think it is a more dignified and gradual release, much unlike his Mickey Mouse Club peers Britney and Christina.

And since I'm bringing up Britney, I have to admit something. Although celebrity love lives factor very little, if at all (except Ice-T & CoCo!) into my existence, I have a little fantasy. I don't think it's at all uncommon, and everytime I see a tabloid or see a photo of stringy-haired, barefoot & pregnant Britney wearing 2003's smocked terry cloth dress, I think about what might have been.

I just want Britney & Justin back together. Not because they were each other's first loves or because they were the bubble gum pop duo of yore. I have no problem with Brad Pitt running off with Angelina Joile, but Britney & Justin, they belong together.

Seriously. Look at what happened to her after they broke up. He was her rock. She was his Eliza Doolittle. If Justin stepped in, you think she would be pumping out potential short-bus children with a ne'er do well former back-up dancer who raps about Brazillian ass slang? Hell no. He would have gotten her a one-way ticket to Timbaland's studio and she would have a hit record. Would she be snapping gum at Matt Laurer or driving through the Sonic five times a week? Hell no. She would be sitting, perfectly coiffed, front row at the
Cavalli show.

They would be like Seal & Heidi Klum, the Southern Fried American Version. I picture it going down much like A Mighty Wind, except it's at the Grammys, and they're opening the show. Some acoustic duet talking about getting the lover you always wanted back and by your side, finishing with an embrace. It would be huge. A kiss with Britney and Justin? Bigger than Britney kissing Madonna.

Alas. A girl can dream. Here's the song, since it's not yet available on iTunes and I haven't found a pirated version that works. My friend says it reminds her of Slave 4 U, maybe a bit, but not really. If there is any similarities, well, that's just further proof that things would just be better if Britney & Justin were back together. Hell, I bet even Hezbollah may stop for a moment to ponder the power of love.

Here's the link. This song does really make me want to go a bumping and a grinding. This new JT album may just be the perfect companion to the
Gorillaz' Demon Days or Gnarls Barkley's St. Elsewhere.

(You can also listen to the song on the official JT site)

http://pdl.stream.aol.com/aol/us/aolmusic/artists/bmg/justintimberlake/justintimberlake_sexyback_bmg_a_dl.mov

Scenes from the UPS Customer Service Center

One of the biggest pains in the asses has to be retrieving one's package from the UPS office. Whenever I miss the three attempted deliveries (Hello? People work. So don't deliver between 2 and 5.), I'm forced to go out to some side street in Watertown.

It's not busy, but of course it will be a excrutiatingly slow process. I expect this. What I do not expect is animal noises. Yes. That's correct. When the man went to retrieve my package, he began to meow (sort of a meow-grunt type sound, not sure what it was meant to be).

Don't really understand why this happened. All this for a damned bikini bottom that was on back order from J. Crew.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Craigslist Follies: Vol. 1

I've been talking about doing this (er, blogging about) for sometime, although the idea is neither new nor earth shattering.

I rarely scan through the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist, but when I do, I am always amused.

Here are several that made me giggle (and I'll keep it quasi-clean):


Reply to: pers-183090308@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-17, 5:01PM EDT
MY GIRLFRIEND...
does not like to go down, give head, suck cock, and she doesn't like it when someone goes down on her...she won't talk about it...just won't do it.... i'm so in need of going down, i crave the taste of a woman, it's been over a year....i want it so bad, is there anyone out there who would like a guy just to go down on them, nothing else other than u being pleased orally.....please let me go down on u, and taste u....

Um...okay. So why are you still with this woman? You don't sound very happy in the relationship.

Reply to: pers-183090837@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-17, 4:59PM EDT
ISO WOMAN WHO WANTS TO RIDE MY FACE — m4w — 52
SEARCHING FOR A WOMEN WHO WOULD ENJOY HAVING HER PUSSY LICKED UNTIL YOU DROP. I'M MARRIED AND WIFE DOESN'T GET TURN ON BYE THIS AND IREALLY ENJOY EATING PUSSY. SO IF YOU WANT A OLDER MAN TO EAT YOU TILL YOU COME WITHOUT ANY PAY BACK THEN I'M YOUR GUY. ME 235/6'11" IRISH CURSE BUT LONG LASTING TOUNGE FOR YOU. PHOTO A MUST. ALL STYLE AND SIZES ARE WELCOMED WILL NOT DISAPPOINT YOU.


Okay. I understand that maybe the whole spark has been extinguished from your married sex life. Fairly common, right? In any case, when requesting these sorts of acts from anonymous strangers, I feel it is necessary you check your grammar. You don't need an AP Stylebook to know that "bye" is the incorrect form of "by". In the context you are using, "come" is erroneous, too. But most importantly, if you really are 6'11", you shouldn't follow that fact by stating you suffer from the Irish Curse.

Reply to: pers-183088705@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-17, 4:54PM EDT
i want my fantasy to be reality — m4ww — 26
im looking to have a threesome with a couple of girls never had one always wanted to


That's nice, sweetheart. So you watched Entourage last night and were reminded that you've never had your very own threesome. I can handle your lack of proper capitalization and punctuation in casual online communication, but you really should be letting any of your potential reality-makers know what is in it for them. What can you offer them? Oh. And what do you look like? You really need to work on the specifics if you want to make your dream come true.

Reply to: pers-183070498@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-17, 4:14PM EDT
Daytime pussy licking delight!! — m4w
I come you your door with a clipboard pretending to canvas for the Sierra Club. You are wearing a revealing top and short skirt and invite me in. We go to the living room and you sit on the couch, cross your legs, and I sit opposite in a chair. I start to give my pitch and, as I am doing so, you uncross your legs and slowly spread them and I get flustered as I see that you are not wearing any panties. I stare at your beautiful pussy winking at me as you lean back. I look into your eyes and you smile and beckon me with your finger. You tell me to eat you and I lick your sweet pussy through as many orgasms as you want. Nothing else expected. Make you hot to think of a safe, fun, sane stranger licking your pussy until you scream? Just as hot as it makes me to think about it. It could come true, during the day when I am free.

Does it have to be the Sierra Club? For instance, what if I wanted you to pretend you were a Lyndon LaRouche follower? Or how about a Jehovah's Witness?

But I will give you props on creativity.



Choose my exotic dancer name

No. I am NOT jumping on the pole dancing bandwagon. This is something I've wanted to do for while, but now I have a some free time.

I start on Wednesday. Any suggestions as to what my "stage name" should be would be truly appreciated. Something sexy, something ironic...Any ideas?

www.gypsyrosedancing.com

Friday, July 14, 2006

Chillin with Il


There are so many things I adore about this inspirational painting taken from a Korean children's book. Particularly the ethereal halo casting its soft glow above Kimmy Il's head.

(I just thought it would be sort of fun to call him Kimmy Il. Not really sure why.)

And I think Sammy Davis Jr. is standing behind the man shaking Kimmy Il's hand.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I probably think this song is about me...

I received this link from a friend yesterday and 2 hours of uploading personal photos / insanity quickly ensued.

Perhaps I’m one of the last people to find this site, but it’s some of the most web-based fun I’ve had in quite some time. Upload a photo. Make sure all the faces are looking straight at the camera (otherwise, it just won’t work). Then click to compare your facial structure with 3200 celebrities / notable figures in their database.

The site utilizes facial recognition software that’s been used by law enforcement agencies. They will be using this software to help people find relatives and ancestry information (if you have an 80% or above similarity, there is a chance you may be related).

A few years ago, some scientists discovered that human beauty is formulaic. Examining photos of the “beautiful people”, it was determined that these individuals have similar facial proportions and measurements.

Using that information, and judging from the results obtained after uploading around 10-15 photos (It’s best to upload several photos to see how frequently you’re matched to people), this website solidifies the fact that I am completely hot.

The first picture I uploaded put me at a 75% match to Aishwarya Rai. Rai, Bollywood’s biggest actress, makes every Most Beautiful Woman / Person in the World list. This picture also matched with Grace Kelly, Cindy Crawford, Ashley Olsen, Queen Raina…and Eddie Murphy (among others).

After uploading several pictures, I began seeing a definite. Rai, Ashley Olsen (Obviously, some Mary Kate popped up, too. Am I a lost sister or something?), Angelina Joile, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Gwen Stefani popped up most frequently. Of course, I also yielded comparisons to Jason Biggs on several occasions.

I now worry I am going to upload photos on a regular basis to satisfy this (relatively) newfound vanity I discovered lurked deep inside.

See for yourself and be vain like me! Or at least curious…maybe it’s more curiosity than vanity?

(And let me know your results)

http://www.myheritage.com/FP/Company/face_recognition.php

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Cheva Longoria













I can't really explain what irks me so much about Eva Longoria. I think it stems from the fact she portrays a "former NYC model" on
Desperate Housewives. I distinctly remember an episode in which she flashes back to her days on the runway.

I know TV is fake but she's 5'2". The only runway models that short do Petite Sophisticate shows at suburban shopping malls. Maybe she could have done a calendar showcasing drill bits, but runway model in NYC?

And I read something about her expanding her career to include writing erotic fiction. Um...yeah.

I got a kick out of these pictures because she obviously thinks she's some sort of revolutionary. Oh. And because they were supposedly taken while she was hanging out with Mario Lopez. I really hope the two of them were selling t-shirts to help out Screech.

I Love Creed Bratton

I don't have much time this morning but I felt the need to share the website of one of my newest favorite people. I've been catching up on all The Office reruns I missed and I've decided Creed Bratton is one of the coolest honkies around.

Just read this interview. He's beautifully whacked. This man rules.
http://old.bcbeat.com/?q=node/1390

Creed usually only as a few lines per episode, but they're priceless. His character's bio isn't included on the show's website, therefore adding to his enigmatic aura and allure.

Check out his priceless (deleted) scene from the Booze Cruise episode:

http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/office_deleted_rock_recut.shtml#video

Saturday, July 08, 2006

What Not To Wear — Political Pundit Edition


You're hiding the flog behind your back, aren't you?

Ann Coulter is one of those conservative zealots who never seem to disappear for long enough off the public radar. You know it's gotten bad when even the purveyors of celebrity trash like US Weekly start mentioning this quasi-Nazi stick figure.

Sure, Coulter's long-winded and pointless tirades against liberals irk me because she never presents actual evidence to back up her opinion. But my main problem lies with her wardrobe choices.

If you're the ultra-conservative mouthpiece of American women, you ought to start dressing the part. Women who openly remark that the U.S. should bomb the Middle East and convert the remaining inhabitants to Christianity should dress a little more matronly.

Open up a charge at
Talbot's and stop buying evening wear at Trash & Vaudeville. Parading around like a dominatrix and barely-there skirts doesn't really promote that anti-abortion / Jesus Rules stance in my eyes.

I'm all about believing whatever you wish to believe and dressing however you choose, but if you're going to be as publicly virulent as Ms. Coulter, you don't dress in such a manner that may represent what you consider to be a bit inherent to this country's "moral decline".

Just browse through the
"photo tour" on Ms. Coulter's website. It's fabulous (The gun photo is a personal favorite). It's much like looking at someone's random vacation photos rather than a photo album of one of this country's most-hated pundits. Much of it makes no sense if you've ever heard or read any of this woman's endless argument.

There's conservative...and then there's ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE. I expect those in the latter group to abstain from alcohol use and drug-culture musical preferences. If you're going to be oh-so vocal, well, it's best you back up that argument. That blouse better be entirely buttoned and the only music on your iPod better be in the running for that Myrrh Record.

And honestly, Coulter, is that a smile I see on your face as you pose with Reverend Al?

Ditch the latex and start browsing the Harve Benard section, Coulter. Didn't you learn a thing from J. Edgar Hoover?